It’s back to school season, and in my house, here’s what that looks like: I’ve taken on the management of my kids’ transition from one grade to the next … and it feels like a seasonal part-time job. And if you’re a mom of young kids, you can probably relate.
Walking kids through the transition to a new classroom, teacher, grade level, ground of peers, and set of educational expectations is a lot. Emotionally and mentally, much of it falls on me.
I’m texting fellow parents to see which kids will be in class with my own. I’m buying the school supplies and the new clothes and snacks. I’m reading communications from the school and teacher. I’m handling the paperwork and the forms and the apps. I’m making plans for packable lunches and snacks and washing the extra clothes I’ll stash in their backpacks. I’m handling the particulars of magic making, the special first day of school breakfast and outfits and photo opps.
This load is mine and largely mine alone … but I’m going to say the thing we’re not supposed to say: I don’t mind carrying the majority of this load. In fact, I quite enjoy it.
I love being a magic-maker for my family. Not just because my kids deserve to have their milestones celebrated in a big way, but because it feels good to be the one taking their exciting days and making them feel extra special. Yes, it’s work. But like so many parts of parenthood, it’s a labor of love, and one I love managing.
It’s important to note the reason I don’t feel exhausted and overwhelmed and resentful about the fact that I carry this load almost single-handedly. It’s because I have a partner who recognizes the labor behind it, and who takes on other pieces of the mental and emotional load of parenting so it doesn’t all fall on me.
When we run out of paper towels or toilet paper or toothpaste or laundry detergent or dishwasher pods? That’s not my job. My husband handles that — it’s something I simply don’t have to think about, which frees up space in my brain for making every special day extra special. And let’s be real, “special days” occur every 20-ish business days when you’re raising young kids. By the time you’ve executed one, it’s practically time to start thinking about how you’ll pull off the next.
Like so many moms, I find myself stuck somewhere in between noticing how damn heavy the expectations are on women … and also buying into the ridiculousness of it all. It’s important to me to challenge the societal norms that keep mothers overworked and exhausted, but it’s also important to me to do this work. And it all begs to the question: Where do we draw the line between playing into the pressure put on mothers … and finding the joy of sprinkling a little magic all over our children’s lives?
When it comes to the mental and emotional load of parenting, we’ve swung from one extreme to another, it seems. For far too long, women were simply expected to be the default, the safety net, the invisible force behind the scenes. We needed to reconcile this — and in a major, public way. We needed to make the contributions taken on disproportionately by mothers visible. The status quo was so deeply rooted, no one ever stopped to think about what really goes into creating the moments and the magic and management of all the pieces.
But in our attempt to do this, have we become too obsessed with dissecting and dividing every piece of the puzzle that is parenting? The truth is, it won’t ever be completely, 100 percent visible or equal. We can get caught up in splitting up every task, every detail, every system to make sure it all falls into two equal pieces to be taken on by each parent. For some parents, that’s what works best.
But for me, I’ve learned, a different approach feels right. And this year, while piecing together all the details of back to school season, it occurred to me: I don’t need to make sure every responsibility of parenthood is split evenly in my home. It simply works better for us to approach it this way: Where I’ll take on certain duties single-handedly and my partner will own others.
I believe in having and amplifying conversations about the labor of managing our kids’ education lives — it’s a lot of work. But it’s work I feel grateful to be doing, and it’s work I take pride in doing well.
One of the hardest parts of parenting in the social media age is reconciling the public conversations and the expert advice and the narratives about how we “should” be doing it with what works best for our own families. And for my family, this is simply what works best. We play to our individual strengths as parents and we don’t get too caught up in making sure it’s perfectly equal, as long as the larger picture feels generally equitable.
While packing backpacks full of the supplies I’d spent weeks buying, I found myself reflecting on how it feels almost taboo or retrograde to just say it: I am happily handling this piece of the parenting puzzle, one of the many pieces that has historically fallen solely on mothers. And yes, it’s work, and it must be viewed as such. And yes, it’s a lot to manage. And yes, I hold myself to higher standards than is necessary.
But multiple things can be true: I can acknowledge that the expectation that mothers do and manage and handle all the things is far too heavy … and also find the joy, fulfillment, and purpose in owning these expectations and holding the full emotional and mental weight of this particular load.
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