Dating seems bleak right now for Gen Z — if you watched the latest season of Love Island USA this summer, then you know exactly what I’m talking about. A new teen slang term shows just how toxic romance can be. It’s called “Shrekking,” and, yes, it’s related to the ugly green ogre Shrek.
People have been obsessed with Shrek since the character debuted in the first DreamWorks animated film in 2001. This time, though, people are referencing Shrek to refer to something a little toxic in the dating world. According to USA Today, “Shrekking” is when you “date down,” or when you “date someone you’re not attracted to in the hopes that this person will treat you better in return,” just like Princess Fiona did with Shrek.
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It’s like thinking someone is out of your league in a negative way and going for them in the hopes that they will treat you right. Purposely finding the nice guy who usually always finishes last, even though you believe you could do better. This isn’t a best-friends-turned-lovers situation; it’s more like trying to swipe right on someone you don’t find attractive because you assume they’ll be nice and the relationship will work out like you want (aka, the person will do whatever it takes to keep you since you are the prize).
And then when you get “Shrekked,” it means that the Shrek character in your relationship ended up hurting you anyway. Amy Chan, dating coach, told USA Today, “In this plotline, you’re dating an ogre without the princess treatment.”
“The term might be new, but the behavior isn’t,” Chan explained. “Plenty of people have put looks lower on the list or hoped attraction would grow over time, and that in itself isn’t a bad thing. Where it backfires is when someone assumes that just because they’re dating ‘down’ in looks, they’ll automatically be treated better.”
You’re still judging a book by its cover, except you believe that if a person isn’t conventionally attractive that they are automatically a good or nice person. And that’s just not true. It also doesn’t mean that you should only look for a partner based on looks.
Chan told the outlet that your goal should be trying “to develop better assessment skills for character, values and emotional availability regardless of what package they come in.”
As parents, navigating conversations with teens about dating can be tricky, whether they are trying out Shrekking or situationships or any other trendy move. You can’t control what they do, but you can encourage open conversations with your teens.
Licensed clinical psychologist Kevon Owen previously told SheKnows, “Your teen may not want to share everything with you, the same way as you wouldn’t want to share your romantic interests with your parents. But if they do share, don’t make them regret the decision.”
“Your teenager’s first relationship is not only going to teach them how to be in a relationship; it’s also going to teach them how their family will handle their first relationship,” says Owen. “Keep the doors open.”
If you are worried about your teen dating, we get it. Carrie Krawiec, licensed marriage and family therapist, previously gave SheKnows a conversation prompt to use with your teen. “Ask your teen what they think being in a relationship at their age means, and avoid the impulse to be judgmental or disparaging; they’ll only become defensive, dishonest, or hit you with countless reasons why you’re wrong,” she said.
“By helping your child define their boundaries and set their values, and reminding them that they have a voice and rights in a relationship, you can help them make more confident relationship choices,” Kraweic added.
Teens want honesty, commitment, chivalry, and romantic gestures in their relationships (they told us!), and they might think that Shrekking is the only guaranteed way to get that. Truth be told, there are no guarantees in love and dating, and putting your expectations on someone that you don’t find attractive is just as bad as ignoring red flags of someone you do. Like most issues with teens, conversations on dating should be ongoing and built on trust and communication.
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