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Growing up as an ’80s kid was idyllic, wasn’t it? We had no idea how good we had it. Riding bikes, climbing trees, playing hide-and-seek, and watching cartoons on cable TV … we were the lucky ones. Sure, today’s kids have much cooler gadgets like iPads and remote-control drones and can FaceTime their friends instead of fighting with their siblings over use of the house phone. But what they don’t get to have — at least most of the kids I know, including my own — is a simple, carefree childhood. And that is because competitive youth sports has completely jumped the shark.
My third child came out of the womb ready to play competitive sports. For him, everything is a game with a winner and a loser — especially if there is a ball involved. Even a random game of wiffle ball in the yard on a hot June afternoon can turn very intense, very fast. So yes, we have supported his love for sports since the toddler years and will continue to do so for as long as we can. But unfortunately, as a 12-year-old playing competitive travel baseball and hockey, that means his childhood looks a lot different than mine did (or my husband’s) and that often makes me sad.
The Youth Travel Sports Life
Hockey parents know what hockey life means. This isn’t a sport that lasts a few months of the year, at least not at the competitive level. Hockey players need to constantly hone their skating skills, and that can only be done on ice. Whereas other sports can be practiced outside in the yard or big field nearby, hockey players need to get into the rinks as much as they can. And that means, for lots of kids, it becomes a year-round sport, or close to it.
And then there’s baseball. Thankfully, baseball, at least in our town, remains a sport open to all skill levels. We have a thriving rec program for kids who want to play at a less competitive level, and we also have try-out select teams that only take 11 or 12 kids per team. My son has been on a select team for years, which means that yes, he also works on his baseball skills year-round (practicing inside during the winter months).
He loves hockey. He loves baseball. When a new season comes around, and that first game is about to start, he can’t get into his uniform fast enough. But competitive youth sports can also be an overwhelming commitment for kids, and this high level of intensity is starting at younger and younger ages. My husband, who was an incredible baseball player throughout his life and played on some of the best teams in the country, will even say that sports didn’t become intense for him until well into his teen years. As a young kid, youth sports were still youth sports — everyone was allowed to play, there weren’t a ton of high expectations, and it was all just good fun in town.
Now, there is so much pressure to “keep up” with the rest of the kids so you won’t get cut from the team or so that you’ll make the team next year, and far too often, young athletes are being robbed of the simple joys of childhood they deserve.
Finding a Middle Ground
We try to find a balance for our son, knowing how much he loves to play sports, but also knowing how much he loves to go fishing, ride his bike, play video games with his friends, and swim in the pool. And he absolutely should do all of those things at 12 years old. But the tricky part is that if we take a break from all of the extra camps and lessons and practices throughout the year, we worry that he will fall behind. That he will get cut. Or that he won’t make the team the following year. And we know he’d be devastated if that happened.
There are days, however, when he’s doubled up and has hockey and baseball in the same night and still has homework to do, that my husband and I look at each other and say, “What are we doing? Are we doing too much? Is he doing too much?” And honestly, we don’t know the answer.
We always tell all of our children that our job as their parents is to ensure they reach their full potential in life. We support their hopes, dreams, and passions and provide whatever we can to help them soar. Our oldest is a high-achiever academically, and we have high expectations of him, knowing that he wants to attend a top engineering school. Our middle child is an adventurer and wants to travel the world. She’s not afraid of anything and dreams of living abroad and saving endangered species someday. She, too, needs to work hard in school and chase every opportunity she can to reach her goals.
Then there’s #3 — the sporty one. That’s his talent. That’s his passion. So, as his parents, we believe in helping him reach his full potential on the ice and on the field. As long as he’s still loving it, we’ll still love doing the work on our end to get him there.
But we also work very hard to ensure that all of our kids have downtime. That they have free time to hang out with friends with no agenda. We let them sleep in when they don’t have somewhere to be on Saturdays and in the summer. We expect them to do chores around the house and then sometimes we all pig out on pizza and candy, watching a movie together on a Friday night.
We know we can’t give our kids the idyllic life we had in the ’80s — those days are long gone. But, as parents to a competitive athlete, we see firsthand what can happen if we don’t preserve some of the simple joys of childhood for our children. If we’re not careful, if we get too caught up in the pressures of youth sports, their childhoods can be stripped away entirely — and that is one regret I cannot imagine living with.
Are We Getting It Right?
If you’re living through this challenge as we are, I’m sorry I don’t have the magical answer or a crystal ball where I could tell the future — are we pushing too hard? Not enough? Are we getting it right? All I can say is that we talk to our son regularly about what he wants. He wants to play hockey and baseball as long as he can. He wants to continue to travel with his select teams and commit to playing at a higher level, which means doing the work required. We also try to remind ourselves that he’s 12, and being 12 today isn’t like what it was for us. So if he seems particularly overwhelmed or exhausted, we let him take a break, rest, recharge, and take care of his physical and mental health.
The last thing we’d ever want for him is to get burned out by sports at age 12 because we pushed him too hard. Sports are supposed to be fun, and if he’s not having fun, what’s the point? Even if he makes the best team in our state, if his heart isn’t in it, we don’t do it.
There’s no manual for 21st century parenting (but there wasn’t one for any other generation either). All we can do is love our kids unconditionally, support their dreams in whatever ways we can, and be there to cheer them on when they score a goal or hit a ball and watch it sail into the outfield.
If we can raise kids who look back on their childhood and say, “My parents were always there for me,” we’ve done a good job.
Karen Johnson is the author of What Do I Want to Be When They Grow Up? (And Other Thoughts from a 40-Something Mom).
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